You have noticed the empty bottles, the late nights, the mornings that start with an apology. Maybe it is your husband, your wife, your father, or an adult child. You have thought about saying something many times, and each time you have decided it would only start a fight. So you say nothing, or you say it badly at the worst possible moment, and the conversation goes nowhere.
Talking to someone about their drinking is one of the hardest conversations a person can have. This post is about the conversation itself: when to have it, what to say, what to avoid, and what to expect. It is a one-on-one conversation, which is different from a planned group intervention.
Before You Say Anything
A little preparation changes how the conversation goes. Start by getting clear on what you want. Is it for them to cut back, to see a doctor, to understand how you feel, or to start treatment? A conversation with a specific goal is easier to steer than a general complaint.
It also helps to learn a bit about drinking problems first. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism describes alcohol use disorder as a spectrum from mild to severe, and says that even a couple of symptoms can signal a problem. Knowing this keeps you from assuming that someone has to be at rock bottom for the conversation to matter.
Finally, take care of yourself. If you are exhausted, angry, or frightened, it is worth talking to a friend, a counselor, or a family support group first, so that the conversation is not carrying all of that weight.
Choosing the Moment
Timing is half the battle. Some principles:
- Choose a time when they are sober, rested, and not in a rush
- Pick somewhere private, with no children, guests, or distractions
- Do not raise it in the middle of an argument, right after a bad night, or when either of you is angry
- Allow enough time that nobody has to cut it off
The morning after a bad night feels like the right time, but it is often the worst. Shame and a hangover make people defensive. A calm, ordinary moment tends to go better.
What to Say
The most useful approach is to speak from your own experience and not from a verdict about them. Compare these two openings:
- “You drink too much and it is ruining this family.”
- “I have been worried about you. I have noticed that you have been drinking most nights, and I miss how we used to spend evenings. Can we talk about it?”
The second one is harder to argue with because it is about what you see and how you feel. A few guidelines:
- Begin with care and concern before any problem, so that the first thing they hear is that you are on their side
- Describe specific things you have seen, not labels or character judgments
- Say how it affects you, using statements that begin with “I”
- Ask a real question, such as how they feel about their drinking, and then listen to the answer
- Offer a specific next step, such as seeing a doctor together, without demanding a promise to quit
What to Avoid
- Labels like “drunk” or “addict,” which tend to end the conversation
- Ultimatums you do not intend to keep
- Bringing up every past incident, which turns a conversation into a trial
- Lecturing, pleading, or crying to get a reaction
- Talking while they are intoxicated
- Expecting a full admission or a decision on the spot
What They Might Say, and How to Respond
Most people do not respond to the first conversation with agreement, and that is normal. Some common reactions:
- “I’m fine.” You can say that you hear them, that you are still worried, and that you are not going to stop caring about it.
- “Everyone drinks.” You can agree that many people do, and say that you are specifically concerned about what you have seen in them.
- Anger. If voices rise, pause. You can say that you will come back to it later, and then actually do.
- Promises to cut back. You can welcome that, and ask what they will do and how you will both know whether it is working.
- Silence. Leave space. Sometimes the response comes later in the day, or the next week.
A first conversation rarely changes everything. What it does is open a door and show that the subject is not forbidden. Many people come back to it later, once the defensiveness has passed.
A Safety Note
If the person drinks heavily every day, encourage them not to stop all at once without medical advice. MedlinePlus notes that alcohol withdrawal can involve seizures, severe confusion, and hallucinations, and recommends seeking medical care if withdrawal is suspected. A doctor can advise on the safest way to cut down or stop.
If you are worried about immediate safety, such as driving after drinking, violence, or thoughts of self-harm, do not wait for a better moment. Call 911 in an emergency, or call or text 988 for someone in emotional crisis.
Looking After Yourself
You cannot make another adult stop drinking, and you are not to blame for it. What you can control is what you will and will not do. Setting limits, such as not covering for missed work, not lying to others on their behalf, and not riding with them after they have been drinking, is a form of care for you and for them.
Support exists for you as well. Al-Anon is a free program for family members and friends of people with a drinking problem, with meetings in person and online. SMART Recovery also offers family and friend support groups. The Massachusetts Substance Use Helpline, at (800) 327-5050, is free, confidential, and open at any hour, and can also help family members understand their options.
When They Are Ready to Talk About Help
If the conversation goes well enough that the person is open to getting help, be ready with a specific step, because the window can close quickly. A visit to a doctor is a good first move. For people who need more than occasional appointments and want to keep working and living at home, Foundations Group Miller Outpatient provides outpatient treatment on Cape Cod, and a family member is welcome to call with questions on their behalf.
It may take more than one conversation, and it may take longer than you hope. Staying steady, kind, and honest is what makes the next conversation possible.
